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The news of Michael Jackson's death was to me like Elvis' untimely death was to my mother. I'm shocked and disturbed that a figure from my youth isn't around any longer. A legend, an icon of a generation, has passed. My daughter can't understand why I'm surprised.
"He wore a hospital mask. It took lots of people to help him get places. They even carried an umbrella for him" she reminded me.
I'm just glad the kids know who he is. We undertook a course of instruction in Michael Jackson just last summer when my daughter attended a day camp. The camp counselors had choreographed an end-of-summer talent show that required her group to wear torn clothes and do a neck snatching, foot-dragging, shoulder-twitching march a la "Thriller". As she described the moves, I realized with horror that she apparently thought they were invented by the camp counselors! She had never even seen the Thriller video. Recognizing this huge gap in her cultural education, I insisted she and my son watch the video with me on YouTube, which was a mistake.
First, the video scared them. I had forgotten about how frightening the scenes could be to young kids, even if the villain was a 100-pound falsetto dancing on tiptoes in white crew socks. (I resisted the urge to foreshadow, "Trust me, his surgically altered face will prove much more frightening than his werewolf persona.") Second, it made me feel old to realize her camp counselors hadn't even been born on the day back when I myself had eagerly awaited the world premier of the Thriller video.
After I attended the kids' day camp finale - which included a series of signature Michael Jackson moves - I was determined to show them the majestic King of Pop in the years before he jumped the shark and lost his nose.
A Google search produced a current photo that did not have the desired effect. "Ewwww! What's wrong with his face?! " they asked.
"Is he wearing make-up?"
"Is that a man or a woman?"
So now I found myself trying to justify how I had ever come to be a fan.
We started at the beginning, with the literal ABC's and 1-2-3s of the Jackson 5. "See, he was just a little kid," I pleaded, trying to establish a common ground as we watched him dancing in step with his brothers. "He performed for people when he was only eleven years old," I offered. They seemed skeptical that this kid was the same guy we'd just seen pictured with translucent white skin, lined eyes and red lips.
I knew the moonwalk would surely captivate them. I chose a clip from the American Music Awards, hardly able to contain myself during the build up as the camera closed in on Michael's lone figure pulsing with the bass intro, the derby hat down over his brow.
"This was such a great moment," I whispered breathlessly, eyes glued to the screen. "People talked about it for weeks and weeks - nobody had seen it done before. It was huge!"
The kids watched as Jackson glided backward on stage, the crowd went wild, and I squealed. "My camp counselor can do that," interrupted my son, not fully impressed. Just then Jackson raised his gloved hand and spun on his heels, sending the crowd to its feet again.
I couldn't conceal my annoyance. "No, he cannot DO THAT." I snapped. "What you need to understand is that Michael did it first, and he did it best."
"This was THE moonwalk, one of the most famous Award show memories of all time, a performance that is still just as great over 25 years later!" I went on. Twenty-five years being inconceivable to them, their quizzical looks just increased my irritation. Oh sure, everybody thinks they can moonwalk. Now I was getting frantic. For their part, they were starting to look a little scared of me. Was I about to bust out some fangs?
I went to the next video, "Beat It." More violent than I had remembered. A switchblade fight? "It's all carefully choreographed, all pretend," I assured them. Evidently the red jacket still impresses, because they liked this one. Determined to win them over, I found "Bad," which I recognized as the beginning of his crotch-grabbing phase. How many grabs could there be in one song? This made me decidedly uncomfortable. Maybe we should skip the videos and view some photo galleries online.
We found plenty of pictures of Michael with a menagerie of escorts, including Bubbles the Chimp, Brooke Shields, Liz Taylor, and Webster. That was before we considered the lawyers during the later court trials, which I had purposely avoided.
Did he marry? the kids wanted to know. Yes, briefly - Elvis' daughter, in fact. Did he have kids? Yes. What were their names? I remembered only one name. Blanket.
The Jackson lesson ended. I was out of explanations. Apparently my kids would never know MJ as anything but a freak. Maybe this was the parallel: My mom thinking of Elvis as a Love-Me-Tender heartthrob while I only knew him as a fat, sweaty man wearing ridiculous white jumpsuits. (Fortunately those Ed Sullivan and Jailhouse Rock performances are captured on tape so it's clear he really was a Hunka Burnin' Love in the day.)
Can I ever make the kids understand the excitement of that first moonwalk? And why a trip to the skating rink is incomplete without an old school moment of "Don't Stop Till You Get Enough"? Will they ever sympathize with his plight, a kid who never had a chance at normal, who was surrounded all his life by opportunists, yet was adored all over the world? He obviously had insufficient financial guidance, and judging from the auction catalog for his belongings, he had atrocious taste. But he has left us so much musically and as a performer.
Maybe I'm grieving because he became another cultural sacrifice on the order of the day: Let us watch you unravel so we can be entertained. The same fame that manufactures the Big Life ultimately consumes it. I already dread the inevitable collector's edition coins, T-shirts, and Franklin Mint plates that are sure to come.
Perhaps I've been trying too hard to make the kids into Jackson fans. The music speaks for itself. "Want You Back" is as catchy now as it was 40 years ago. "PYT" is still an instant mood booster. No matter what they do, the kids will always hear his songs and his influence, whether they're listening to the radio or riding in an elevator. His songs will be sampled by new artists for years.
Thanks, Michael. Nobody - camp counselors included - will ever thrill like you did.
* The $29 Captain D's Fish and Fry meal ($3.99 meal + $25 NSF fee, an indiscretion from the broke and fiscally irresponsible college days)
* The $187 home highlight ($6 home kit + $12 extra toner + $9 frantic purchase at Sally's Beauty Supply + $160 trip to salon to remedy). Nowadays I would never skimp with hair; it makes all the difference and besides, what mom doesn't cherish her short time sitting under a cape with a juicy magazine and no interruptions from the little people of the household?
* The $502 sunscreen ($3 off-brand sunscreen + $6 Solarcane + $8 Aloe Vera + $3 Ibuprofen + $241 beach condo we were obligated to stay in two more nights)
* The $7 per slice homemade birthday cake ($5 basic ingredients + $3.99 carton of whipping cream for 1/3 cup required by recipe + $4 fresh fruit for filling + $5 candy for topping + $30 second trip to store for obscure ingredient and unnecessary other purchases)
* The $66 average workouts of 2008 ($82 per month membership for 12 months divided by one to two workouts per week over a dilligent 6 week period during a briefly accommodating family schedule). I am determined to bring my workouts down to less than $30 each this year!
Williams started gardening because of his love of the fresh food but acknowledges an addiction to working the soil and the observing the miracle of seeds sprouting. Although he and his wife work full time, they make their own pasta from scratch, enjoy pies from apples in their own orchard, and preserve much of the garden's bounty for winter months. His website offers a peek at his 2,000 square foot Hudson Valley garden, which is indeed glorious. What was he thinking, taking all that on in the first place?
Thankfully, we have farmer's markets all around Birmingham with vegetables from local vendors willing to produce the vegetables and fruits we can't coax from a corner of our own yards. After enjoying this cautionary tale, I'll gratefully head to the Pepper Place Saturday Market with a basket in my hand.
BirminghamMom note: Alexander spent time in the south, having attended two years at Duke University. He mentions having witnessed firsthand the southern penchant for associating football with Christianity. His fellow farmer and hero, Thomas Jefferson, championed keeping church and state separate. I am sure Alexander and Jefferson would agree that football is not inherently related to religion, but as a southerner, I'm still figuring out how to draw that line...
Besides getting something for your own mom this Mother's Day, it's highly likely you'll be involved in selecting something for your mother-in-law and maybe a grandmother or two. One thing's for certain: Mom doesn't want you to break the bank to do something for her this year. Here are some affordable ideas that are fun and practical:
*Magnet message just for mom
The "Mom Rocks" magnet shown here is an allowance-friendly option. For six bucks, Mom gets an uplifting message for the fridge to remind her of your admiration. This cute magnet is by Birmingham artist (by way of Belgium) Veronique Vanblaere, Vero for short. She is founder of Naked Art, a gallery at 3815 Clairmont Avenue. Naked Art is fun gallery that is straightforward enough for kids and husbands. No art appreciation lecture is required here; the items are functional and just plain happy.
Note: This is indeed a recycled jar lid. Imagine if you could have refashioned all the jar lids you've disposed of just since you had kids. You'd have a monument from the spaghetti sauce alone!
*Sketch of the kids
What is more personal than an image of the ones we love most? Mom already has beautiful professional photos (who among us hasn't written a big check or even paid in installments for a fabulous portrait?). Now give her an artist's rendering of a special memory.
Turn a simple print or digital photo into something extraordinary with an artist's rendering. This sketch was created by artist Ursula Stroebel from a snapshot. As you can see from the original photo, the sketch is an excellent reproduction, but the artist's touch elevates it to something much more distinctive and timeless. You can have one created for your mom or yourself for $50; the artist, who was introduced to me by a friend, has generously offered this special price for BirminghamMoms. Each additional child in the same sketch is $5; contact the artist directly at ustroebel@yahoo.com and mention BirminghamMom to receive this offer through May 2009.
Planter for Mom's patio or deck
Instead of fresh flowers, invest in a patio container she can enjoy for years to come. These containers are sturdy mexican pottery large enough for a single specimen, a collection of blooms and foliage, or herbs.
Small- to medium-sized pots start around $55 at Frontera (Old Hwy 31 in Hoover and 3rd Ave. South downtown).
The biggest factor with a container is transporting it. If the mom you have in mind is an avid gardener or has definite ideas about her landscape, she will want to determine where it is placed. If she doesn't have time for yardwork but would appreciate a dose of seasonal color, surprise her with this planter - already filled - on the corner of her porch or deck. All she'll have to do is water it, and perhaps that won't be too much trouble since most of the work has been done.
You'll have to fill and plant it at her house since it will be too heavy to move once it's full. Grandmothers who no longer have the elbow grease for planting generally love to tend an established plant and it can be therapeutic to watch an ever-changing live plant and be reminded of an affectionate family. Since this is a project that can require heavy lifting, it's a natural to assign it to he husband (especially if it's for his mom!).
Mom can enjoy any of these gifts without worrying that you've spent your hard-earned money frivolously. Isn't saving a mom from worry a gift in itself?
Recently I viewed an exhibit of antique books. What really caught my eye was this book: Mothers Encouraged, "Containing hints on their particular situation, duties, and cares" published in 1845.
This is a thought-provoking artifact. Obviously, mothers have been seeking hints on managing their duties for generations. I wonder, what were the cares of mothers in 1845? How has our "situation" changed in almost 160 years, and how is it same? Isn't it interesting that the title implies mothers need encouragement (that aspect certainly hasn't changed!). Was the book written by a mother or was it some sort of propaganda written by a man about how mothers should be managing their situation? Where is the companion book for fathers? (Guess the fatherhood genre was invented later by Bill Cosby and Paul Reiser).
I suppose this book is proof that motherhood in any age of time is a challenge that does require encouragement. We've always been sharing hints, whether they've been passed along via a book, internet, or quilting bee.
With Mother's Day approaching - perhaps our biggest collective day of encouragement - here are some timeless hints I've received:
"You're all just growing up together"
Mrs. Leola is enjoying her great-grandchildren after raising six of her own. We were passing time at a kids' birthday party when I began to state some childrearing regret with, "Well, maybe I should have..." Mrs. Leola quickly reminded me, "Honey, you're all just growing up together," and isn't that some wisdom? None of us knows exactly what we're doing, we're just figuring it out as we go. Your children move through phases and so do you. That's life. I suppose no one taught Mrs. Leola how to be a great-grandmother, either. We're all still growing up.
"Doing something good for one of my kids is as just as good as doing it for me"
Do a favor for my mother-in-law and she'll be appropriately thankful. Do something for one of her kids, however, and she'll adore you forever. Her regard for you is multiplied by at least a factor of two. This has always been her motto in appreciating any kindness offered to her kids, from a piece of candy to an encouraging shout-out at the ballgame. Now she applies this philosophy to anything done for her grandkids, and that makes for a goodwill factor of three.
"Every child is born into a different family"
Versions of this quote are in all the childrearing literature and it's a good reminder. When you're expecting a second child, you really do ponder ridiculous questions like whether you can love another little person as much as the one you already have. After all, your life changed so profoundly with the first one that it's hard to imagine what could be in store next. How can you possibly give another baby its due attention?
Of course, after you have the second child you can't believe you ever wondered how you would accommodate another; you find that your emotional capacity just expands naturally. Now you think, "What were we doing before?"
The next children won't know life without an older sibling, and that's okay. Except for when they see their pitiful baby scrapbooks next to big brother's volumes from months one through thirty-six.
Any other hints or encouragement to share? We all need them! Comment or send to info@birminghammom.com.
Here's an easy way to add an extra dose of finish that is both functional and pretty to your space.
This clear plastic drawer liner is called LifeLiner and sold at home stores like Bed, Bath and Beyond. This product is aptly named because it will not just contribute to the longevity and functionality of your cabinets, it will likely outlast them.
This thick-but-not-too-thick liner has small ridges designed to allow air flow beneath dishes, helpful considering there is always a bit of water clinging to the base of each glass coming out of the dishwasher. The liner prevents moisture or scratches on the inside of your cabinets, especially important when most builder grade and mass merchandised cabinet boxes are made of fiberboard with wood veneer (even though the cabinet face may be solid wood). Moisture damage is damaging to solid wood and downright deadly to fiberboard or MDF, which swells and can't be sanded to a smooth finish.
LifeLiner can easily be cut to fit a cabinet or drawer and is wiped clean with the swipe of a damp cloth. While that's reason enough to add some LifeLiner to your shelves, I submit that one of the best of all is that it is wonderful for adding an unexpected grace note to the inside of your drawers and shelves.
*Extend a theme in your bathroom cabinets by cutting a wallpaper remnant to fit your drawer, then placing LifeLiner over it. Now even your drawers are "papered" to match the walls.
*Instead of scented paper liners, cut coordinating fabric to fit your bedroom or nursery drawers and cover the drawer base with LifeLiner. Tuck a sachet or dryer sheet into a back corner to replace the paper liner's scent.
*In a desk drawer, start with a favorite wrapping paper (some of them are so pretty, it's sad to see the roll end) before laying over with LifeLiner. Need a spot to put frequently used numbers or contacts? Place that info underneath the clear liner, provided the drawer isn't so full you will have to excavate to read it. Dismiss the thought of placing password and account info under the liner; that's as risky as putting it on a post it note under your mousepad (to you password-under-the-mousepad moms: the house key under the doormat isn't a secret, either).
*This liner is a great way to use extra photo prints, postcards, or other little notes that you don't care to have always on display. Just place them under the liner and you have the makings of a smile winking at you whenever you open your drawer. A recipe in a special relative's handwriting would be sweet under the liner in the drawer for your baking utensils.
*For the OCD moms out there, how about placing a label beneath the liner? Better yet, an outline of the object that belongs in the space. A label or outline beneath the liner will make putting things in their proper place irresistible and let you know right away if something is out and in use.
*If pattern or pictures would just make you feel more cluttered, choose a solid linen or a textured paper to go beneath your liner. I have a black desk with a single shallow drawer that I lined with a shock of magenta paper underneath the liner. It looks so much better than the plain black drawer bottom, and it's easier to keep clean; I just wipe the liner or pull it out for a quick shake and a rinse under the sink - no little eraser debris or errant staples rolling around.
BirminghamMom Tip: Make this purchase when you have a Bed, Bath & Beyond coupon for 20% off any one item or $5 off a $15 or more purchase.
Math enthusiasts around the world celebrate Pi Day on March 14th (corresponds with 3.14...get it?). I don't claim to be a math enthusiast, but the event did start me wondering whether there is a mathematical equation of some sort that I have found helpful. I've decided to give this honor to the Golden Mean or Golden Ratio, a concept I wish I had learned about much earlier.
If you've formally studied art or architecture, you know the Golden Ratio well. If it doesn't ring a bell, you've still no doubt noticed objects that were pleasing to you or have felt comfortable in rooms that felt satisfying although you couldn't quite describe why you found them to be so. Most likely your positive impression was a result of the Golden Ratio at work; it is the classical proportion that is evident in nature and the basis of many designs.
Where is all this leading? Once you are aware of the Golden Ratio, you can use it on any rectangular shape to be sure it is not too wide or too narrow. Determine with confidence, for example, the most appropriate length for a backyard deck, the best proportion of rug to floor, or the most pleasing size and positioning of shelving on a wall.
This specifc ratio is 1 to .618 (and then some), but forget that and think in terms of two-thirds to one-third. Two-thirds of the floor should be covered with one-third hardwood exposed around the perimeter, and the shelves should cover no more than two-thirds of the wall, as two overly generalized examples. Just as easily, you can multiply the width of a feature by 1.5 to find its best approximate length or divide the length by 1.5 to find its best approximate width. A 10 foot wide deck would look best built to a length of about 15 feet.
When you're determined to notice these proportions, you start to see things click into place. While a professional designer can certainly help you use proportion to create a pleasing environment, anyone can enhance her space with awareness of the Golden Ratio. Unlike Pi Day, you don't have to be a math nerd to appreciate the beauty of 1.618.
A Saturday spent shuttling kids from place to place, waiting through dance class or ball practice, and running errands all the way home isn't glamorous stuff. Yet even if it is essential to be comfortable for a full range of activities, none of us wants to cross the line into frumpy. (Isn't there some cosmic law that dictates you will run into your friends and neighbors when you are most rushed and least groomed?)
I pondered the universal "what to wear" question recently as I considered the many days and evenings scheduled for the ball park this spring. Nobody's trying to be a fashion icon, but it would be nice to feel presentable and ready for whatever the day holds. Where could BirmighamMoms turn for some practical suggestions for mom chic?
It turns out we actually have our own Rachel Zoe of sorts (mom fashionistas will recognize that name as a celebrity stylist). Tracy Robinson of chicmadesimple is a stylist who has worked with designers, retailers, and individual clients across the southeast. Fortunately for us, Tracy caters to "budget savvy and time constrained individuals" (sounds like every mom I know) and, when I asked her for advice, she was happy to oblige.
Tracy shares several fashion dos & don'ts for this spring, including:
- Alternatives to the "soccer mom" uniform
- The best tee shirt style for your body type
- Selecting the right denim (and avoiding "mom jeans")
- The pair of pants every busy mom needs to own
Read and see examples of all Traci's tips in: Spring Style Tips for Moms.pdf , specially developed for BirminghamMoms. You are going to love her ideas and be ready for whatever a Saturday has in store for you this spring. Thanks, Tracy!
* * *
P.S. (May 2009) - Traci is heading up a Fashion Camp this summer at The Summit! Visit www.thesummitonline.com or call 205-967-0111 for more information.
"We need to be saving money."
"We should eat at home instead of going out."
"Why do we need a cleaning service?"
Heard any of these in your household lately? Of course we agree that we need to be particular with our spending, especially nowadays. But let's dig a little deeper. Who is the "we" in your house? Is anyone other than you schlepping that cart up and down every aisle, sorting dog-eared coupons while comparing the cost per ounce and keeping said cart politely out of traffic? What about planning the meals, making sure the kids have suitable coats/swimsuits that fit, depending on the season, and ensuring the toilet paper supply is fully stocked?
As I've heard one mom say, "When does anyone in this house REACH and not find the next roll? Do they think it happens by magic?"
So it's no surpirse that when the belt gets tightened, it feels tightest to us. It is we moms who are mindful every day of what it takes to feed the family, dress the kids, cover co-pays and get the dog to the vet. Maybe that explains the sensitivity to talk about cutting back, since it already feels like it's All Our Fault that it costs money to keep up a household. Moms are caught between holding the pocketbook tightly and somehow spending all the time. So the "we" (as in family) in these statements sounds less like a cooperative undertaking than a criticism of what "we" (as in moms) are already trying our best to accomplish.
It's exhausting to feel pressure with every purchase, especially when you're the agent for the entire family. A single shopping cart can hold upwards of 50 purchasing decisions made by mom, and even if she doesn't execute the purchase, she's brought in for consultation. This role requires her to know the size and condition of most all family possessions (Have the kids outgrown their tennis shoes? Do we have AAA batteries at home?) as well as a competitive cost for replacement (is this a good price for a vacuum?). If it's not the husband needing a consult, it's the kids themselves ("Your birthday is only a week away, why don't you wait to buy that game?").
Even the best intentions can have the effect of punishing mom. For example, dining out. It may sound prudent to forego the usual Saturday night out and eat at home, but there are consequences for mom. Practically speaking, that means another meal to plan, provision, thaw, prepare, plate, and possibly even clean up after, depending on the reliability of our helpers. No wonder it's so easy to "give up" eating out - who besides mom notices any difference? After all, the rest of the family sits down to a hot meal and all they have to do in return is load their dishes in the washer. Why pay for a meal out when you can have it at home? Why, indeed?
So when the inevitable subject of cutting back or trimming somewhere comes up, don't dread it so much as remember how you have been doing your part and are well aware of the challenge. Let the toilet paper stash be a reminder that maybe we only had to reach for the next roll, but you bought it in bulk, on sale and with a coupon.
Garth Brooks sang about a guy whose neck was "red as Alabama clay" but I'm guessing he'd have found the topic less poetic if he'd ever had to remove those clay stains. This ubiquitous clay is in all almost all our back yards and playgrounds, and any kid who has jumped out of a swing has the red marks on his knees to show for it.
Who knows more about dealing with these stains than the moms at the ballpark? They wince as their kid slides into home plate and silently curse the man (it had to be a man) who decided white pants would make for a sharp-looking baseball uniform. Other things being equal, most moms would prefer their kids be drafted for a gray-pants team.
Laura, a BirminghamMom whose son and daughter have played ball many seasons, shares her tip for laundering stubborn clay as well as any other tough stain: Fels-Naptha heavy duty laundry soap.
This soap removes all sorts of stains, including food, grease, and even blood. Your grandmother probably used it; it's been around over 100 years! Apparently it's environmentally friendly as well. Just wet the stained area, work the soap into the fabric, and wash as usual.
I'm told the only outlet in town that carries Fels-Naptha soap is Publix. It's on the top shelf next to other laundry items and is an unbelievable 99 cents. Apparently a single bar of this wonder soap can last your entire child-rearing epoch and yet it costs less than a soda in the check-out aisle.
Thanks for sharing the find, Laura. With this soap, the Cardinals' uniforms can still look respectable by the time it's team photo day.
An immaculate home isn't my ambition; I'd happily settle for plain everyday clean. Though I emphasize having all family members clean the house, I am always looking for ways to minimize the nagging that seems to accompany housework.
No wonder I was intrigued with Make Your House Do the Housework by Don Aslett, a professional cleaner, and Laura Aslett Simons, an interior designer. This book, first published in 1986, is the father/daughter duo's effort to show how housework can be designed OUT of your home. As the owner of a commercial cleaning company, Aslett understands better than most that cleaning costs money in terms of equipment, supplies and labor. What really resonated, however was the argument that cleaning takes valuable time.
As the authors point out, 5 minutes two times a day = 61 hours a year or 66 weeks in a lifetime (so this is how much time we will spend wiping down countertops). Less time cleaning means more time for other things.
Some of their best tips:
- Surfaces that were once reserved for commercial uses are now mainstream, like granite for countertops and stainless steel for appliances. These are enduring but require sealing and polishing. The authors recommend keeping surfaces simple to minimize maintenance.
- It's easier to clean one small, extremely dirty spot than a large, semi-dirty area
- It takes four steps to knock dirt from shoe soles; use mats inside and outside entrances to prevent tracking dirt into the house (it's true! matted entranceways to commercial buildings are usually four steps deep).
- Work with the irresistable pull of convenience. For example, people will always set things on the nearest surface, not the intended one. They will sit on anything once a conversation starts. Use this to your advantage.
Aslett's calculating eye sees dust traps everywhere, and some of the ideas would never make it into the annual Decorator's Show House. Vinyl floor covering that extends up the bottom of the walls in the playroom? Great for cleaning, maybe, but not likely to become popular. However, many other ideas are easily incorporated and are extremely practical, from recommended hardware shapes to built-in storage and furniture arrangements.
Maybe my former neighbor read the book and had her house doing the housework. If so, somebody is going to buy a great house.
